Pastor Tim spoke this past Sunday about our need to be "real"...with ourselves, with God and with others. I have a favorite Psalm that I often use as a prayer when I feel I need to get "real"/honest with God. It's in Psalm 139 and says in vs 23-24 "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." I have been anxious recently about money. Don't get me wrong, we've got plenty and are doing just fine! My anxiety has been about retirement and would we have enough each month to continue living in the style we've grown accustomed to. I just felt in my gut that there was something not right about our finances. Recently, at work, all the RNs got a 4% raise. I didn't get it because I'm considered a "contract" nurse and they chose not to give us the raise. I don't normally do this, but I questioned "why" and really just wanted to know their rationale and when we could perhaps expect one. Well, I was told they would review this in 6months. So I forgot about it. I'm telling you this because it fits into God's plan for me in a way I didn't expect.
So I prayed my psalm prayer, hoping that God would reveal to me what was causing my anxiety. I started reading some books by Larry Burkett (who is now deceased) but was an amazing Christian financial counselor. The books in particular had to do with either retirement or finances in the second half of life. I realized that I really had no idea where our money went! Oh, of course I new the essentials: mortgage, food, utilities, savings, tithes/gifts, and of course the miscellaneous.
And that's what caught my attention and brought me to the feet of our God to ask for forgiveness. As I wrote down the odd amounts of money I spent for craft supplies, lunches with friends, hair and cosmetics, books, and games (yes, games on the computer!) I was aghast with grief at the monthly totals. What was worse...I discovered that we were spending 25-50% more than we were bringing in each month.
I was ashamed at being such a poor steward of our money. My husband trusted me each month to take care of our finances and I hadn't had a clue how badly I had done. I compiled 7 months worth of poor management. I asked God to forgive me and I know he did, but I still had to face my husband and ask for his forgiveness.
When we sat down to eat, I told Mike that I needed to confess something important to him and then proceeded to tell him what I had done. I was humbled when my dear husband graciously forgave me and even admitted that he had been a bit loose with some of his spending as well (not as much as me though!)
I still have a LOT of work to do on getting things right with our finances and knowing exactly how much we can spend without dipping into savings but what a relief to have that off my guilty mind.
Soooooo, today at work my boss said "have you checked your email yet? I sent you something you need to look at". They way she said it made my heart sink because it didn't sound good. Did I get in trouble? Did I get fired? As I opened the email from Kathleen, I saw the most amazing thing....after a recent review of per diem salaries, they decided to give us the 4% raise as well, effective the end of this month! Wow!! I couldn't believe it. And then it dawned on me...this was a major blessing from God for doing the right thing, confessing my sin, asking for forgiveness. He says "ask and you will receive and your joy will be complete"!
Never doubt that our God doesn't listen when we cry out to him. Never be afraid to ask for something that you know is fair and just. And trust the Lord with all your heart.
Oh the other good news is that I am finally going to receive a statement form MGH (my former employers) who I have been trying to get this from for over 6 months! They are mailing it to me today. So now I can get a good start in not only working on my current finances but also planning for our retirement.
Our God is an awesome God!
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